See,😃😄Killing myself wasn’t something I had thought about much or planned before that warm sunny day. Yet the accumulating self-devastating thoughts of two major traumatic (by my definition) life events involving betrayals by people close to me left me tired and defeated. More importantly, I had a steadfast faith in a Universe that I knew would embrace me with open arms and wrap me in its light and loving arms for eternity. It called me. The trust in humans was broken, replaced by the secure knowledge that I could trust God to welcome me home.
I came to that realization quickly and headed to the medicine cabinet to see what would transition me from sleep to rest most peacefully, finding a sufficiently full bottle. I grabbed a glass of water, went to my bedroom and sat on the edge of my bed staring at the plastic container in my hand and removing the lid, ready to swallow. I heard my friend Theresa’s words (describing her unsuccessful second attempt) echoing in my head, “Mary, I wasn’t even the least bit scared.” She, like me, had that sure belief in everlasting life. Knowing she succeeded on her third attempt, I wasn’t scared either and I smiled to myself, knowing she was safe and happy in the afterlife.
My next thought was that my kids would have no clue how to go about collecting what was coming to them. So I temporarily set the pills down on my bed and went out to the garage where my nineteen-year-old son was tinkering on projects and sat down on the steps. In a shaky voice I said, “You and your sister will inherit $100,000 if something happens to me,” and told him where the folder was. I fully expected him to reply with “Yeah, whatever, Mom” or an eye roll. He instead paused, looked up and responded, “Are you thinking of harming yourself?” Shocked into a moment of silence, I recovered by breaking into tears and choking out my truth, “Yes.” He continued by saying that it was an option that he hoped I wouldn’t choose. He followed that up with a dozen specific examples of how I had supported him from childhood to adulthood, many times when he had no one else. I had forgotten many of them. He ended by saying three words that saved my life, “Don’t do it.” It took me a few moments to speak, and I could only muster, “Thank you,” before I went inside and placed the pills back in the medicine cabinet.
In a sense, I did succeed in ending my current life that day. I was reborn through my son’s words. I had received the greatest gift a person could ever get…a view of just how much I had made a difference in someone’s life. The Wonderful Life effect. After that came an epiphany. Despite the fact that I had faced the dual betrayal, I could take those experiences and make a vow to never behave that way to another human being. Instead be as kind, joyful and especially as trustworthy as I perceive the Universe to be. Be the beacon. It took me time and effort and finding good listeners to get back to my joy, yet here I am to help others and will never look back.
It has often been said after news of a suicide that the person should’ve thought of the grief they were going to leave behind. From my experience, I can tell you that in my despair that never entered my mind. Not once. I admit that it would’ve been a selfish act…more to get me to an enlightened place quickly than to get me away from pain. I can say with confidence that had my son not been home at that moment, I would’ve left a note directing my children to my retirement folder with no other explanation.
In retrospect, my son’s response of “Are you thinking of harming yourself,” echoed those of his therapists, crisis care workers and me who assisted him during his own tough times. One of those therapists told me at the time, “He healed because you never gave up on him.” So I pass this plea on to those who are contemplating suicide. “Don’t do it.” You have contributed too much to this world and have much yet to offer, joy to feel. Reach out to someone who will tell you so; find someone to listen to your story. If you don’t have anyone to turn to, trust yourself or the Universe to tell it to. You’re worth it. And for those of you helping someone through their pain, never ever give up on them.
We all must learn to help each other
By
K. Jagadeesh
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